So finally Saturday night I got to sleep in my own bed. It felt amazing! The week of living out of a bag was too stressful. And my poor sister called me on Thursday after her midwife appointment to tell me that I couldn’t attend her birth. Her midwife apparently has a policy that pregnant women cannot be at her births as it’s too physically and emotionally taxing for both the laboring mother and the other woman. She’s had bad experiences in the past. That poor girl, now 33 weeks and she’s told she can’t have her doula. She had a back up doula that was going to be there to help me since I’ll be 36ish weeks when she goes into labor but she’s not trained and this was going to be her first birth. This is a woman who wants to be a doula and was going to assist me. I hope between her midwife, this lady, and my brother-in-law my sister will be supported. It’s so hard for me to stay away. Not only because I was really looking forward to being there, but I want my sister to be supported.
Friday, Hubby and I got into a huge fight. It started out because I was reading a #YesAllWomen tweet to him and he got upset. We started yelling then took separate walks. I knew the tweet wasn’t what either of us was upset about. I tried to hit on the real topic when we got back to the car. He got even more upset we both yelled, I cried, but we worked out some issues. I hate fighting but it feels so good to get things resolved.
Last night I had a horrible dream! Hubby couldn’t make it to a midwife appointment so my friend, CM (you may have seen her extremely sweet and supportive comments on past posts) attended with me. I was seeing a midwife that was new or filling in…she wasn’t a regular one that I was familiar with. She said everything looked good and then asked if I could come back the next day. When I asked her why she said she just wanted to give me some stitches, no big deal. She was very nonchalant about it but didn’t want to give me any information. My waking brain doesn’t follow this logic but in my dream I figured out what she was saying…I had an incompetent cervix and she was going to sew it up to keep my baby from falling out. (Our brains come up with dumb stuff!) I asked her if that’s what she was trying to tell me. She confirmed. I said that I didn’t have any symptoms and everything was normal. I asked what she was seeing that made her think I was going to lose my baby now. She said she just had a hunch and would rather be safe than sorry. It was crazy. I was bawling and scared. I kept looking at CM for help. She calmed me down enough that I would leave the office. We made the appointment for the next day but she said we could always cancel or just not show up. After we left the clinic we kept trying to call the other midwives at the clinic but kept getting transferred to the new one. It was horrible. I woke up sobbing.
Writing it all down I know how crazy and illogical it sounds but I was legitimately terrified in my dream. So I may be a bit crazy…dreaming that they were basically going to sew up my bits to keep the baby in. It’s kind of funny now that I’m not in that frame of mind.
All in all, I’m ready to start a new week. I hope it’s better. Be well friends!